Choosing Connection Over Division
Posted on Psychology today on December 2, 2024
Choosing Connection Over Division
Transform relationships from battlefields to spaces of connection.
Key points
Divisions in relationships grow due to differing views, but dialogue fosters understanding and connection.
Finding common ground helps promote empathy, while isolation deepens emotional distance and division.
Embracing common ground triggers empathy and cooperation through tend and befriend.
Have you ever found yourself drifting apart from a friend, family member, or loved one because of differing views? Many of us have experienced this. What if we could navigate these differences in ways that nurture understanding and connection instead of driving us apart? In a time of rising tension, it’s important to ask: How can we protect our relationships from forces that pull us toward division?
What troubles me most is how quickly relationships, friendships, and even communities seem to be breaking down. People have become harsher, closing off instead of reaching out. Neighbors who once shared lighthearted conversations now avoid each other’s gaze, and family members steer clear of topics that might lead to disagreement. Friends who once engaged in thoughtful debates on social media now block each other over political views. It feels like the space for respectful dialogue is shrinking, and too often, we’re choosing judgment over understanding. Instead of trying to understand where someone else is coming from, we dismiss their entire worldview, asking ourselves if it's even worth staying connected. People increasingly judge others based on factors like ideology, political views, wealth, and more, deciding whether to engage or disengage based on these differences.
By responding this way, we unintentionally mirror a battlefield, where tensions escalate, communication breaks down, and reconciliation becomes harder. While most of us do not want war, peace becomes possible when we recognize these patterns and choose dialogue over division.
The Stages of Division
At first, there’s latent tension—subtle, but present. Conversations become surface-level, and discomfort lingers just beneath the surface. You avoid talking about things that matter, fearing disagreement. Cracks in the relationship begin to form, but they aren’t obvious yet.
Then comes escalation. A minor disagreement surfaces—maybe during a family dinner or over a social media post. What seemed like a small difference grows into a heated conflict. The personal becomes political, and it feels as if there’s no way to come back from it. Each person becomes entrenched in their position, unwilling to listen. The very things that once united you—shared values, common experiences—are overshadowed by the need to win or prove the other person wrong.
I’ve seen this in romantic relationships, too. A couple that once shared mutual respect and understanding may begin to clash when one partner becomes passionate about a social issue, and the other isn’t interested or doesn’t see it the same way. Over time, what once seemed like a small disagreement turns into emotional distance. What started as a disagreement about an issue can evolve into an internalized sense of “we’re just too different,” until the relationship feels disconnected and fractured.
The final stage is breakdown. Communication falters. You may begin to engage only in surface-level conversations or avoid each other altogether. The deeper connection is lost, and instead of talking things through, you and the other person live in a silent, uncomfortable space where everything you say feels like a potential battleground. This is when the relationship is no longer growing; it's stuck.
A Call for Connection
If we truly value peace, we must extend it to our relationships by embracing dialogue over division. Instead of allowing differences to sever connections, we can choose to understand, remain curious, and prioritize the relationship over agreement. Peace begins in how we treat one another every day.
Ask yourself a simple yet powerful question: “Is everything about this person truly awful, or do we share something in common?” Focusing on shared interests—music, family, or hobbies—can foster empathy and connection, even when you don’t agree.
The Science Behind Connection: Tend and BefrienD
Finding common ground activates the “tend and befriend” response, driven by oxytocin, which promotes empathy and cooperation. In contrast, the fight-or-flight response triggers defensiveness, viewing others as threats, which deepens conflict.
Clarifying Boundaries: When Conflict Becomes Abuse
It’s important to differentiate between healthy conflict and abuse. Dialogue should never require enduring harm. If a relationship involves emotional, verbal, or physical abuse, self-preservation should take precedence. Walking away from abuse is an act of courage and self-respect.
Why This Matters
In healthy relationships, conflict can lead to growth when handled with mutual respect. By focusing on shared values and maintaining an open mind, we can create spaces where dialogue feels safe. Isolation grows when we sever ties over differences, leaving us disconnected and lonely.
Moreover, encouraging others to cut ties with someone based on differing views can deepen isolation and judgment. We risk perpetuating the same “us vs. them” mentality that underlies larger societal issues like war and racism. Instead, we can choose to bridge divides and embrace our shared humanity.
A Practical Call to Action
Peacemaking isn’t only for politicians. It begins with each of us. Choose one person this week to engage with curiosity, even if you disagree. Listen with respect and a desire to understand. Let this process deepen your connection.
Children remind us that connection transcends differences, as they play without regard to status or beliefs. Peace begins within and thrives in the choices we make daily. Choose dialogue over division, curiosity over judgment, and connection over separation. Peace isn’t just a global goal; it’s a personal practice, and it starts with you.